Round Table Discussion: Self-Proclaimed Baby-Free Experts

By The Headbanging Hostess & Vegetarian Metalhead

Let’s face it, intelligent people don’t just breed all willy nilly. We’re responsible with our genetic material. We should be commended, rewarded. Heck, we should get a tax break for not overburdening the system with our offspring. But we don’t. In our society babies have become the ultimate accessory, a status symbol. With the addition of crying crap machines business women become “Mompreneurs” (no kidding, what an annoying word), high school girls become MILF’s and celebrities become “Super Women.” All for fulfilling their biological imperative. Or for not making sure the guy pulled out in time.

And who suffers? No, not the babies. We do! The people who have decided not to have children are made to feel like we’re missing out. That there’s something wrong with us. That we’re denying the very reason we were put on this earth. As if the only way to contribute to society was to add more people to it. Not! We were kids once ourselves. Sometimes not having children is the only way we can make sure we live up to our own potential. And what’s wrong with that? Good parents want their kids to have a better life than they did. Not having kids of our own is a great way to accomplish that.

What are your thoughts on babies?

HH – The most annoying thing about kids is their parents. If a kid is ill-behaved or obnoxious or running around a restaurant like a baboon, it’s because their parents never took the time to teach them how to behave in public.

VM – It’s not enjoyable when babies let out blood-curdling screams.  Kids are always trying to show you their toys and their drawings, which are terrible, but you have to pretend they’re amazing.  When my baby toting friends visit I suddenly realize all my furniture is pointy, I have a foul mouth and my music is inappropriate.

What about people with babies?

HH – They’re the only people in the world! What’s with those huge strollers? They don’t fit into an aisle, they take up entire sections of restaurants. And what’s with people pushing the kid out into the road so they can check if it’s safe to cross? Turn around! Leave the stroller on the sidewalk and literally bend over backwards to see if it’s safe before you push your kid into traffic!

VM – There are three words that kinda bum me out: “I am pregnant.”  Relationships are forever changed by this life event.  It’s not so much the baby showers, email updates, and endless baby pictures posted on Facebook that I dread, but that it causes me great anxiety to contemplate having a baby.

Hanging out just isn’t the same.  All attention is focused on the baby and how cute they look and how big they got.  “Isn’t she great?” is a statement, not a question.  Some of these little monsters are cute, but the discussions about pregnancy and babies are unbearable.  I get it that we tend to talk about what we’re experiencing, but when I have to listen to, “Is she eating solids yet?” “How long did you breast feed?” and “I was in labor for 28 hours,” I need to reevaluate how I’m spending my free time.  And no, I don’t want to hold your baby.  At all.

Do you hate babies/kids?

HH – One day in the supermarket I saw the cutest baby in the world. He was sitting in the cart, the adults he was with weren’t paying attention to him, of course. As they waited in line he turned around and picked up a box of macaroni and cheese. He shook it, he liked the noise. The corners of his mouth grew into a smile as he shook it some more. Then he put it down and turned back around. I watched him as he realized he’d had a good thing there with that macaroni and cheese box. It made a cool noise when he shook it! And he turned back around and picked up the box again, shook it and smiled.

I wanted to kidnap that baby right then and there.

No one in his family, I thought, could ever appreciate the wonder that child possessed. They couldn’t even bother to turn around in line to see what the noise was. There he was discovering the music of macaroni and cheese and no one took the time to encourage him, enjoy it with him, or even witness it. And maybe they’re tired, or just sick of looking at a cute baby, but I’d never want to be that person. That baby deserved better, all babies do.

VM– Nah, I just don’t want to hang out with them. They suck at Apples to Apples, they’re pure evil, and they’re uneducated.

Are you thinking about having a baby?

VM – Absolutely not.  The only other question that make me lose my shit is, “Are you pregnant?”  No, I’m just fat.  Thanks.

I’m 35 years old, been married 1.5 years, and bought a house in the suburbs so naturally I should have a kid right?  Not so fast.  As the female, I’m the one that has to go through this monstrous process of squeezing a large baby out of a small hole.  Why would I voluntarily do this?  Why would I opt for sleep deprivation?  I know we are biologically driven to ensure the survival of our species, but the world is overpopulated isn’t it?  If humans were like seahorses where the males become pregnant, I might reconsider.

Right now the only convincing reason I would have kids is to use them as a fool-proof excuse to flake on stuff and to have an advocate if I wind up in a nursing home.  Before parents call me a misanthropic narcissist, remember that we’ve been exposed to your sonogram, have to endure pre and post pregnancy status updates on Facebook, and are forced to look at pictures of your kid on your iPhone.

HH – I was 15 when I witnessed my first high school pregnancy. In fact, I went to more baby showers as a teen than as an adult. I’m lucky that way, I don’t have too many friends with kids. Here I am, at the end of my childbearing years (thank goodness) and when I look back, I think if I were to have kids I should have done it when I was young. I’m sure glad I didn’t; when I think of who the fathers would have been I cringe. But child rearing takes a whole lot more energy than my old body can muster. Of course, older parents are wiser. My parents were almost dust when I was born, and I know that had some advantages and some disadvantages, but I can’t imagine a life with children in it. They’re too much responsibility, number one. Number two, you have to deal with other parents and sleepovers and nut allergies and other people’s crazy religious views being pushed onto your children (yes, that is a legit fear of mine.)

If I could raise my baby on an island, isolated from the rest of the freaks that populate this world? Maybe I’d breed. But as I look around at this country that my parents escaped to, I don’t believe it is deserving of my DNA. I can’t, with a clear conscience, bring a child into a world that is preoccupied with hate and bigotry, intolerance and material possessions. A world that doesn’t appreciate original thought, where conforming to corporate cookie-cutter marketing techniques is considered cool. I write plays, those are my babies. They are the legacy I’ll leave the world. And if they go unappreciated? That’s okay, they’re just plays.

Final Thoughts
VM – I’m happy for people who are excited about their choice to have children and I am sure that it enriches their life in a way that words cannot describe.  I wish being honest about not liking babies was socially acceptable and that child-less couples were not pitied or seen as incomplete.  When and if my time comes maybe I’ll get it.  Until then, you’ll find me sleeping in late, ignoring my biological clock, and selfishly enjoying life.

Editor’s Note: We’re also open to discussing the opposite point of view.  Interested in participating?  Contact us!

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