Death Metal Dave, here. It’s been awhile you fuckheads. You know why? Because I’ve been pretty busy with the scene lately. Seems like another local death metal band is born every week around here, and of course I’ve got to be there for every band’s debut! Recently, I came across this new band called Job For The Hartford Police Department that plays exclusively at the Webster in Hartford. Given all the criminal activity that’s been happening there, I thought that was an appropriate name. But you know what? They blew donkey dick. They were a goddamn Gothenburg melodic death metal band. What the fuck is melody doing in death metal? That shit is fucking Iron Maiden with laryngitis as far as I’m concerned. So I guess it’s up to me to get rid of the thievery at the Webster so we don’t have to listen to this god awful band anymore. Here’s a few ways I’m going to do it.
- For the price of a few blank CDRs so I can download the first couple of Portal albums, I’ll sit in your band vehicle all night. I’ll deter potential thieves with my signature no-going-to-the-bar-during-Eyes-Of-The-Dead’s-set expression (pictured here). Never have I struck more terror into the hearts of djent fans than with this face. It’s a sure thing that I’ll have them running and screaming. Of course, I doubt djent fans are the people stealing cars for band merchandise around here. They certainly don’t need t-shirts. I’m pretty sure most djent bands have a solid fashion line set up before they even write a debut album.
- A smart thing to do would be a security check on the perimeter. I’ll simply run around the few surrounding blocks like I’m in a circle pit, flailing my arms wildly and shoving random people on the sidewalks. With any luck, one of those people ends up being the potential thief. I’ll shove that old woman right into oncoming traffic if I have to. She should have known not to get in my way when I’ve got my Possessed tape in the Walkman.
- Perhaps a sneak attack would be the best option. I’ll wait until I see one of those assholes approaching. Then, just before he’s able to break a window and get in the vehicle, I’ll ambush him from behind. I’ll mount that fucker like a sweaty fat guy with a Deicide shirt using the shoulders of sixteen year old girls as leverage to crowd surf. I won’t bathe for weeks and knock that fucker out with stench alone. Then to add a little insult to injury, I’ll fart in his mouth with a sound not unlike Dallas Toler-Wade of Nile’s live vocal performance. His thief buddies will hear it for sure, and smartly retreat.
- Maybe I’ll try those hardcore spinny kicks. But then again, maybe I’m not a queer.
- The best thing could be to mark territory. Death Metal Dave does a lot of outdoor peeing, being that there’s always a long line at the men’s room at death metal shows. I’d love the opportunity to pee on your band truck/van/rickshaw to discourage potential robbery. My signature pee scent of beer and beef jerky is poisonous to all those who oppose me, but like a love potion to those who appreciate my services to the scene. It’d be great to make a few new friends/potential significant others by way of my urine. That way, I can stop with the golden showers on blow-up dolls. Even though I do love the way their mouths looks as if they’re taking a deep guttural growl. If I got a real girlfriend one day, I would need her mouth to be open like that all the time. What are we talking about? O right, yeah, crime at the Webster. Yeah, I’ll pee on criminals.
And that’s how you clean up crime at the Webster! If you’re interested in Death Metal Dave security, just give me a ring at my buddy’s house. I’ve been crashing on his couch since I spent all my money at Maryland Deathfest trying to buy a goth girl blow-up doll. They don’t even sell those. Where the fuck is my money?!