That’s right my metal brothers, it’s me Death Metal Dave again. After taking some time off to concentrate on chronologically arranging my Kataklysm concert ticket stubs and framing my Slayer vinyl, I’ve decided to come back by popular demand. It seems that a lot of tough questions plague my fellow metal brethren; questions that only a brilliant local music enthusiast such as myself can answer. These questions come from all across the vast and far reaching expanse of my three block radius, which made it hard to consolidate them down. Being that I spend at least half the day scrubbing the beer stains out of my beard, I really only have time to answer the most pressing 2 of the monstrous 3 and a half I’ve received. So without further ado, the riddles of the mighty metal scene revealed!
Q: Dear Death Metal Dave – How can I support the scene when two of my metal brothers are playing different shows on the same night?
– From ‘Torn in Tarrytown’
A: This is something that happens far too often in the scene, and it pains me that we can’t somehow take Cannibal Corpse literally: splitting ourselves in two to go to two shows simultaneously. Luckily I’ve racked my brain on this dilemma and have come up with two possible solutions, Tarry. The first suggestion is to forget going to either show and stay home instead. It’s better to catch up on some death metal chores at the crib than risk disrespecting one of your brothers by choosing one over the other. Use this situation to your advantage, for being a proper scene supporter takes more than just standing in front of small people with your arms folded. Since the amount of shows surpass the amount of hours in a year, it leaves very little time to take care of necessary death metal business in the living room. Scheduling conflicts allow time for these errands. They include such majorly important things such as ironing your Wrangler jeans, re-sewing ripped patches and routinely pissing on the latest Morbid Angel album, to name just a few.
The second solution requires you to in fact, make a choice between the two shows. However, this still requires you to split your loyalties so that nobody gets offended. Basically, whatever show you choose to actually attend, make sure that you bring along a Walkman and a tape recording that includes songs from all the 19 bands from the show that you aren’t attending. That way, you can physically be at one show and listen to the other. However, be sure that next time this scheduling conflict comes up, you attend the show that you missed the first time. I also suggest going to that venue early, leaning against the stage and headbanging along to the rhythm of barbacks taking chairs off the tops of tables and smacking wet rags over the bar. This way you’ll make up for lost time.
Q: Dear Death Metal Dave – Why aren’t more band t-shirts white or gray? With the hot summer weather, I find it difficult to support the scene in a black shirt.
– From ‘Topless in Torrington’
A: There are multiple reasons for this, Topless. I apologize for your ailment, and I hope the sweat that you’re coated in at least masks the smell of that bean burrito you spilled all over yourself after that show last night in OfftheGPSchart CT. In fact, that bean burrito brings me to my first point. Black t-shirts are effective in hiding stains of various sorts including Mexican food, beer, Big Macs and projectile from a Jameson shot that just couldn’t be kept down. On top of this though, the most obvious reason is the fact that black = evil, white = stupid and gray = poopy. That’s about as intelligent of an answer as I can come up with, and I hope those associations didn’t go over your head. Evil is obviously the superior trait of those three, and wearing a black shirt is the easiest way to let people know that you nonchalantly engage in necrophiliac bestiality while blasting Decapitated that one time when my mother was distracted by her gardening. Lastly, sweating in the sun is simply a part of supporting the scene correctly. Tenting your drenched armpit over the head of a smaller and meeker concert goer as you struggle to raise horns during your favorite blast-beat, is a simple way of showing your authority and prestige as a life-long metal brother. Black shirts make this ceremonious moment all the easier.
That’s all for now, fuckers. I have to get back to my stereo quick. Reign In Blood has repeated four times since I started this article and the tape deck is beginning to eat my cassette. Until next time, keep it RAAARGHGHGH!!!
Do you have a question for Death Metal Dave? Leave a comment or send it to firstname.lastname@example.org!